Howzit. The dos, don'ts, and don't-you-dares of the South African braai. Study up before you pitch up.
This is the cardinal rule. The braai belongs to the braai master. You may observe, admire, and offer beer — but you do not touch the tongs, the meat, or the grid. Not even if you think it's burning. Especially if you think it's burning.
The braai master knows. The braai master has always known. Asking implies doubt, and doubt is disrespectful. If you are hungry, eat biltong and wait quietly like the rest of us.
There is no appeal process. No committee review. No second opinion. The braai master decides when to light the fire, when the coals are ready, and when the meat comes off. These are not negotiable.
If you're told to bring drinks, bring more than you think is needed. It will be needed. The first law of thermodynamics states that energy cannot be created or destroyed. The first law of the braai states that drinks always run out.
Boerewors is the opening ceremony of any self-respecting braai. It is both a starter and a statement of intent. Putting steaks on before wors is technically legal but will be remembered.
A barbecue is what other countries do. A braai is a lifestyle, a ceremony, and a love language. Calling it a barbecue is like calling the Springboks "a rugby team". Technically accurate, deeply offensive.
It's called ambiance. The proper response when someone builds an impressively large fire is to nod slowly and say "lekker vuur" (nice fire). Do not suggest dialling it down. You will be judged.
A potjie is sacred. The ingredients are layered. The order is intentional. The cook has a vision. Lifting the lid uninvited is rude. Stirring it is a diplomatic incident. The correct response when someone offers you potjie is: "Did you stir it?" and hope the answer is no.
You are not to arrive empty-handed. "Just bring yourself" is a social nicety, not a literal instruction. A minimum viable braai offering includes: a 6-pack, a bag of ice, or enough boerewors to justify your attendance. A bottle of wine counts as a half-attempt.
When the braai master announces the fire is ready, go and refill your drink. Have a conversation. The coals are not ready. They won't be ready for another 20 minutes. This is normal. This is the braai. The waiting is part of the experience.